WorshipWarrior

Where have I gone?

2007-01-13T07:19:00.000-06:00

If there are people wondering where I have gone to, I've moved my blog to www.songofjoy.ca. See you there!

Tribute to my husband

2006-08-01T20:00:00.000-06:00

It was one year ago today that Leighton Tebay and I were married. It has been a wonderful year. I knew that life with Leighton would be good, but I could not have imagined how good it would be. Leighton is a gentle, caring, loving man. He is affectionate (which I absolutely love!). He never tires of giving me hugs and telling me he loves me. We haven't really grown out of the infatuation stage with all those warm, fuzzy feelings (and I hope we don't ever grow out of it).

He loves teasing me which is good, because it never lets me take myself or life too seriously. He is great father and has brought all those behaviors valued by males but not understood by females to our two boys (fart tag, anyone?). Too much feminine influence has made them into sissies (much to my dismay - I was a tomboy growing up).

Leighton understands me and even when I don't say things, he can usually figure out what's going on. He realized very early on that 'acts of service' are one of my main love languages. I tend to see myself as responsible for everything by default, but he doesn't take advantage of that, and does whatever he can instead of leaving me to automatically do it. He is extremely supportive and encourages me to dream. He is honest and pushes me to grow and become better than I am. God has used him to teach me much about grace.

There are so many things that make being married to Leighton absolutely wonderful. I am so happy and thankful that I can be his wife. Leighton, you're my number one man!

Changing blogs

2006-02-20T23:13:00.000-06:00

I now have my very own website: www.songofjoy.ca. So I'm going to be shutting this blog down and posting my thoughts over there (all my previous posts have been transferred). So if any of you have linked to me, please change it to www.songofjoy.ca. I'm looking forward to seeing you there!

A very interesting article

2006-02-14T21:30:00.000-06:00

I'm in the midst of reading a very interesting article about the charismatic movement and reactions to it. I always enjoy history and it's been very enlightening to read where some of the concepts and terms I've heard used in church circles actually originated from. I'm realizing there are a lot of things I've heard that I assumed were the common interpretations for some biblical concepts or passages, when in reality they might not have been.

Grace is a choice

2006-01-31T22:22:00.000-06:00

Maybe I should clarify: receiving grace is a choice. My husband and I were talking about grace last night. I'm feeling frustrated because I can't seem to 'get it'. I still find myself trying to earn my worth and live up to perceived expectations. Sometimes when it comes right down to it, and you know the truth in your head (that God's love and acceptance have no conditions), you just have to CHOOSE to accept the truth and respond based on what you know, not on how you feel.

It's the same with worship. Worship is a choice. I don't worship God only when I'm feeling 'in the mood' to worship. I choose to worship, whether I'm feeling joyful or miserable. And the more I make that choice, especially when I don't 'feel' like worshipping, the easier it becomes to do just that - worship despite my circumstances.

I suspect grace is probably the same way. The more I choose to accept grace and not what I'm feeling, the easier it will become to accept it regardless of what I've done or not done. I'll have to try it out and see.

Sometimes I forget...

2006-01-22T00:07:00.000-06:00

"Remember who you are. You are my son and the one true king. Remember... " - The Lion King

So many things define who we are. I am a mother, a catering consultant, a wife, an employee, a daughter, a friend. I am part of a family, a company, a church, another church. Each week, I get kids up for school, drive them to school, go to work, put in 8 1/2 hours, pick kids up, make supper, workout on my treadmill.

Amid the hustle and bustle I so often forget who I am, what ultimately defines me. I am a daughter of the one true King. Why should I fear? Why should I worry? Why do I strive?

Do I remember where I have come from? "But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy." 1 Peter 2:9-10

Sometimes I think I forget so much... and remember so little.

(Disclaimer: although I do the things I mentioned at the top concerning my kids & home each week, I don't do them every day; my husband & I share the responsibilities - he's awesome!)

Learning about grace

2006-01-14T00:09:00.000-06:00

I'm finding understanding GRACE to be a process for me. For whatever reason, there's areas of my heart that are resistant to this message. Sometimes something will happen and it will seem like a drop of understanding will seep through a crack deeper into my heart, but then the crack will snap shut again so more understanding is blocked from pouring through. But, as my husband said, I'm getting more and more 'cracks' all the time.

One of my internal 'roadblocks' is the sense that I should have to suffer for my wrong choices, wrong actions. If I feel that I have done something wrong (particularly when I have wronged the people I'm closest to), I have an internal sense that I should have to suffer for what I've done, even if the other person has forgiven me. It doesn't seem fair that I should 'get away with it'. I set about to 'punish myself' (if no one else will).

Grace was extended to me today and I caught a glimpse of how precious God's love and grace are. The thought occurred to me: when I understand that I cannot 'earn' God's love, I will understand more deeply how precious His love really is. When I think that I can 'earn' love and acceptance from God, it cheapens His love. It devalues God's love to a level where it can be 'bought'. But it's far greater than that!

Church mode

2006-01-08T14:38:00.000-06:00

"church mode": a term I've heard used to describe the way people suddenly become different people once they enter the doors of the church on Sunday morning.

"It may be that Christians, not withstanding corporate worship, common prayer, and all their fellowship in service, may still be left to their loneliness. The final breakthrough to fellowship does not occur because, though they have fellowship with one another as believers and as devout people, they do not have fellowship as the undevout, as sinners (italics mine). The pious fellowship permits no one to be a sinner. So everyone must conceal his sin from himself and from the fellowship. We dare not be sinners. Many Christians are unthinkably horrified when a real sinner is suddenly discovered among the righteous. So we remain alone with our sin, living in lies and hyprocisy." - from "The Ragamuffin Gospel" by Brennan Manning (here quoting Dietrich Bonhoeffer).

I think this lies at the heart of 'church mode'. We cannot be seen as sinners on Sunday morning because only the righteous are there. Therefore, we become chameleons, so no one will see who we really are.

Tagged by Livin Forgiven

2006-01-06T21:07:00.000-06:00

I've been tagged. So here goes...

7 Things I would like to do before I die:
1. Travel - all over the world (Europe, New Zealand, Hawaii, Africa)
2. Be able to work from home so I could have more time with my kids
3. Fly in a Hot Air Balloon
4. Go on a vacation with my husband (no kids) to someplace warm & exotic when it's winter here
5. Take my kids to Disneyland or Disney World
6. Have another baby
7.

7 things I can’t do (yet) :
1. Sew
2. Beat my husband at Grand Turismo
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.

7 things that attract me to blogging:
1. My husband has been doing it for years and really enjoys it
2. My friends started doing it
3. I like to journal
4. I believe there's a reason for my journey and I want to share it with others
5. Hopefully to be able to encourage others
6.
7.

7 things I say most often:
1. Hurry up, I'm going to be late!
2. I love you
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.

7 books I love:
1. The Lord of the Rings (my favorite book of all time)
2. Anne of Green Gables
3. Bible
4. The Blue Castle
5. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
6. The Best Christmas Pageant Ever
7. The Explosive Child

7 movies I watch over and over:
1. The Lord of the Rings trilogy
2. Stars Wars trilogy (New Hope, Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi)
3. While You Were Sleeping
4. The Matrix
5. Ben Hur
6. Contact
7. Sabrina (with Harrison Ford & Julia Ormand)

7 people I want to join in too (you been tagged!)
-I don't like being tagged for these things so I'm not going to tag anyone else

Memoirs of my desk

2006-01-06T19:39:00.000-06:00

from "The Cat in the Hat" by Dr. Seuss:
"And this mess is so big
And so deep and so tall,
We can not pick it up.
There is no way at all!"

...which pretty much sums up the state of the workload on my desk today. A co-worker in the office walked by my desk and literally burst out laughing - there were papers strewn all across my desk (even piled on the floor at one point).

Ah, well. The weekend is here. I'll deal with it on Monday.

Tidbits from me

2006-01-05T17:57:00.000-06:00

Ok. Time to post something.

My husband said he would de-link me if I didn't post something soon. :)

It's not that I don't like blogging. I just seem to have got caught up in other things and this fell to the wayside.

What's new?

I had a really good Christmas. 12 days off work. Stayed home with my family for the most part. Got lots of cool gifts. Played with my boys. Brought 'order' to the storage room (I can find my treadmill again). It's always hard going back to work after being home. My heart is with my family. I love being with them.

But my work is really good, too. Over and over again I get the sense that I am truly valued and appreciated for what I do, and that goes a long, long way. It's a very good company to work for.

Been thinking about 'grace' a lot over the past few months. What exactly is grace? Why can't I seem to 'get it'? I still function so much as if I have to earn everything I get. Grace isn't like that. It's a free gift. I'm reading 'The Ragamuffin Gospel'. It's really good, but I think I'll need to read it over a few times for the truth of it to really sink it. I know it will be very liberating when I finally 'get' this piece.

I've also been thinking about the message of the cross. What is at the heart of the gospel? Is that what we truly proclaim and live out? I'm realizing that the message of grace and the message of the gospel are closely intertwined. I think we crowd the message in with a lot of extraneous things that take away from the truth and simplicity of it.

My kids got a PS2 for Christmas. My husband bought Grand Turismo 4. I'm hooked. My husband has many many more hours of experience than I have. The first night we played, I was awful. Could barely keep the car on the road. My husband took a car with much less horsepower than mine and he was still beating me. Finally, I won a race. But then I paused and asked him if he had 'let' me win the race. ...Silence. Then I asked him if he had been trying to 'let' me win the other races I had lost. ...Silence again. I suck!!! But I've been playing it more now (and winning more races). My husband is still driving cars with less horsepower than me, but he's slowing evening the odds in terms of horsepower. But I'm addicted to this thing. All I can think about is racing and getting better.

Gotta go finish supper...

Worship is an interaction

2005-11-17T20:41:00.000-06:00

(taken from observations of my youngest son)

There are times when Matthew will come up to me and say, 'I love you. You're the best mom in the whole world.', or he'll say, 'Do you know how much I love you?... This much.' (as he stretches his arms as far apart as he can get them). As his mother, do I stand back (with my nose in the air) and say, 'I receive your adoration. Thank you.'? No! I rush to give him a hug and tell him I love him and that he's great. I think God's the same way with us. He's our heavenly Father and when we worship him, telling Him we love Him and that He's great, I believe He wants to rush to extend His love back to us.

However, if Matthew did not really mean what he was saying and if the only reason he was saying those things was to get something from me, I would know the difference and would respond to him quite differently. Maybe that's why Jesus said that God is seeking those worshippers who will worship Him in spirit and in truth. Maybe when we worship in spirit and in truth, God is able to interact with us on a deeper level.

Sick

2005-11-11T09:38:00.000-06:00

Here I sit at my computer because it's too uncomfortable to lie down and I don't want to do anything else. David was sick yesterday and I got it last night. Hopefully it will pass soon.

A weekend with the boys

2005-11-06T00:27:00.000-06:00

Leighton is out of town for the weekend, so it's been just me and the boys. It's been fairly relaxing and laid back so far, though we managed to run some errands this afternoon. It's also been refreshing in a way. For 3 1/2 years, it was just 'mom and the boys'. Though I didn't really see it at the time, I think we developed a bond that wouldn't normally develop if there were always a mom and a dad around. Maybe it's just me, but I feel closer to my boys because I was literally all they had when it comes to 24/7 parents for that 'season'. I love David and Matthew very deeply and I think I need 'my' time with them once in a while.

On another note, being married is great! I love it! Leighton is awesome! He truly is my best friend. And he's definitely tapped into my love language: doing nice things for me - like making supper, or putting the kids to bed, or helping unload groceries, or getting the groceries... I am so appreciative of the things he does. I think if there are moms who are ever feeling like complaining about their marriages: try doing it all by yourself for an extended period of time. I think it teaches you to appreciate a lot of things we can take for granted.

Shift in perspective

2005-11-06T00:18:00.000-06:00

It's a slow process, but I think I'm gradually learning how to live with the workload I have at my job. And the shift began when I started spending a few moments reading the Bible and sitting with God before getting ready for work. It amazes me how that simple little change can affect my outlook on the day. And it also amazes me how God is above my circumstances. I'm still not able to get everything done when I want to, but I don't feel as stressed about it.

Desert season?

2005-10-09T23:06:00.000-06:00

Haven't posted much lately. Partly because I'm busy and partly because I don't feel like I have much to say. I kind of feel like I'm in a desert right now. There's no crisis - basically everything's going good in my life. Married life is great. My husband is so wonderful and encourages me and builds me up often. I'm just feeling a bit disconnected from God. I feel a growing desire to become more intimate with Him, but I'm finding it hard getting to those 'quiet places' during my week where I can just sit and be with Him.

Being consumed

2005-10-01T10:43:00.000-06:00

Work has been very busy since the Labour day weekend. We've got a new person in the office but he's spent the last 2 weeks training and getting his computer set up. Almost every week in September I've spent a couple of days taking things home to work on in the evenings. I feel like my job is consuming me. Rather than having more time for my family and friends, I find I'm having less time.

There are a number of different factors contributing to this. One, my personality: simply put, I have a 'morbid sense of responsibility'. If something is my job/responsibility, I am driven to do it even if it kills me. Two, my work culture: in my company, they give their associates ownership of their jobs. While this can be really good - I feel a sense of empowerment, that this company trusts me and is willing to let me pour some of my own creativity and ideas into something - the flip side is that I feel equally responsible to make sure the job is done well (which may drive me into the ground at times). Another thing about my work culture is that they really promote a 'team' atmosphere, which again, can be really good - as everyone is there for each other to encourage and support. But also, if I believe that every member of my team is equally loaded down with work, I am not going to dump the extra working piling up on my desk onto someone else's. So, I continue to drown.

I don't like what is happening. I don't like being a slave to my job. While I recognize that there are busy and slow times in my industry, the busy times take up 2/3 of the year. Do I want to be consumed by my job 2/3 of the year? I thought maybe it was just me that felt consumed by my job, but I was talking to some other people this week and some of the attitudes I was hearing was that they felt that taking holidays was not work it because of their work load (unless they took work with them). I read a few months ago that a significant percentage of the workforce never takes holidays. And I started wondering why do we accept this as a society? We become slaves to our jobs and pour our lives into something that will never fulfill us (and we're kept so busy that we never have time to reflect and think about why we're on this planet). I wonder if this is true of some Christian ministries as well. If the ministries keep their workers so busy that they have no time for their relationships with family and friends and they have no time for themselves, how can that possibly be serving the Kingdom of God???

I've been asking God the reason for why I'm on this planet. He hasn't been saying much, but I wonder if that is because He needs to change how I think. Because deep down I think I believe that my purpose in life is to work and do a good job. I want to work for the Kingdom of God and live for Him, but some attitudes need to change before I can truly do that. But I am confident of this: 'that He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion.' I'm starting to feel excited about where God will take me.

What fuels my fire?

2005-09-25T08:35:00.000-06:00

I was reading John this morning, the passage about the vine and the branches. John 15. "...he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit; for apart from me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in me, he is thrown away as a branch, and dries up; and they gather them, and cast them into the fire, and they are burned." (verses 5-6). I started thinking about fire and passion. I like to think of fire as a metaphor for passion. Passion can be fueled by many things. But there is only one passion which will produce good fruit. What is the underlying passion in my life? Is it a pure and holy passion to love God with all of my being and to follow Him all the days of my life? Or is that passion overshadowed by my drive to 'prove myself'? And if the overriding passion in my life is that need to prove myself then I am not abiding in the vine and the fruit that is produced is not good fruit, but fruit born out of my own selfish desires. I want to abide in Christ. I want to produce MUCH FRUIT. If I'm lacking peace and not producing fruit, maybe I need to change fuels.

The Invasion is complete

2005-09-12T20:25:00.000-06:00

This past weekend, my hubby moved in the remainder of his stuff (his old roommate next door was moving out, so the last remnants had to be moved over). It's been hard work making room for all his stuff. On Sunday, it had finally gotten to me; I was a bit cranky, to say the least. I'm taking the night off and my wonderful husband cleared the supper table and is putting the kids to bed so I can soak in the tub. Awesome!

I know I've posted about my drive to prove myself. Today I was reminded of how I really don't know how to take breaks. And not a few minutes of inactivity when I'm planning in my mind how I'm going to do whatever I feel I need to do when my 'break' is over - that's not rest. But I think I've tricked myself into thinking that it IS rest. I've been working every weekend since we got back from our honeymoon to try to clear out old things and make space for the new things. I've been so driven to try to bring order to the chaos of having someone move all their possessions into the home I've been living in for the past 6 years that I haven't stopped to rest. And finally I snapped. Overwhelming feelings of frustration and grumpiness took over. Why? Because I don't take enough time to put the perceived load down and just rest, not think about it, and enjoy the moment. I'll always have things to do, but I need to learn how to not let them consume my life, so I'm able to enjoy the moments given to me.

A day with the kids

2005-09-05T22:50:00.000-06:00

I spent the day with my kids. Leighton wasn't around as he had to work. I had a lot of fun! Just me and the boys. The morning was pretty relaxed and then we went to the pool in the afternoon. The evening ended off with me crushing David in Starcraft. I love my kids. The other day David and Leighton were making the point that often I'm so focused on planning for the next day that I don't stop and enjoy what I have right now. As I was spending time with God this morning, He told me to enjoy my kids today. And I did. It was great!

I'd rather be broken

2005-08-30T23:07:00.000-06:00

Everyone has issues - issues with trust, issues with fear, issues with being vulnerable, the list goes on. I have issues. I have pride. I want to be 'right'. I don't like to lose. Some people seem to stay 'stuck' in their issues and are never able to move past them. I'm talking about believers in Christ, not unbelievers. What keeps people 'stuck' where they are? Why do I seem to stay 'stuck'? I get so frustrated when this happens. I'd rather be able to just deal with something and then move on (did I mention I have issues with being patient?). It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Why don't I see more of that?

I think one of the factors involved is how people handle their issues. Do I muster up all my defenses or do I allow myself to be broken? Being broken isn't fun. I've been there. Being broken means I might have to humble myself to other people, maybe people I'm not even sure care about me. I might have to admit that I'm wrong or at least honestly see the other side of the story. My natural tendancy is to fight rather than be humbled. But I know that true life, the abundant life that Jesus talked about, only comes through brokenness. Because out of brokenness comes freedom. I've been feeling a growing frustration lately because I desire to be used by God to touch people's lives, and yet I don't feel like that's happening at all. I wonder tonight whether it's because I'm not broken; I'm too proud. My heart cries out to be in a place where my only source is God my Savior. Take me there, God. When it comes down to it, I'd rather be broken.

2005-08-26T22:38:00.000-06:00

It hasn't been overly busy lately, but I've been spending a lot of time trying to get back into some of my old routines (before wedding planning and other things took over). Things like walking on my treadmill (I'm in the process of watching 'Good Will Hunting'), getting back into a routine with my kids, etc. It's not the exact same routine - it's so awesome to have a husband who will start supper if he gets home before you, help put the kids to bed, load the dishwasher. I am truly thankful for these things because I know so well what it's like to have to do it all myself.

I'm also trying to make more space for the 'invasion'. Leighton is still moving stuff over from next door (the last roommate doesn't move out until sometime in September). I spent all of last Saturday dealing with my storage room. We had moved all the kids' toys over there so the old toyroom could become the 'man-cave' (a guy needs his personal space). I removed 5 garbage bags of toys and stuffed animals. I let the kids go through the bags once I was finished the elimination process to see if there were things they wanted to keep. I was anticipating the "it's all special to me!" thing and ending up keeping half the toys I had packed away, but the boys were surprisingly good about it - they only took less than one armful each. I was really impressed. Tomorrow I'm tackling the boys bedrooms - we still have a dresser and desk to move over. We plan on putting the desk in my oldest boy's room and moving his smaller desk into his little brother's room. Wish me luck (I can't see the floor in my oldest son's room).

Being weak and needy

2005-08-17T22:45:00.000-06:00

On weakness:
I don't like to appear 'weak'. I highly value strength and self-sufficiency. Even though being a single parent wasn't easy, I take pride in the fact that I was able to provide for my family and manage my household for the last 3 1/2 years. It's very difficult for me to admit when I am in need or to ask or receive help. This comes from a drive to prove myself. I'm just beginning to realize that this need to prove myself runs very deep. It's so deep, that often I only realize after the fact that what I just did was to prove myself. What am I trying to prove? I'm not even exactly sure. It probably has to do with needing to prove that I am 'good enough'. I think it's going to take a while for the Lord to bring all of what's behind this to the surface; I feel like the process has just begin. I know I certainly do not want to continue operating like this.

On neediness:
In my journey over the past few years, I realized how incredibly needy I had been emotionally towards my late husband. It was not a healthy form of neediness. I don't want to go back there again and so I am paranoid that if I appear needy to my husband, I will fall back into my old ways. That's another reason why it's hard for me to admit my need.

I do believe something very strongly, though. I do not 'need' man to take care of me or fix my problems. I need God! He is the One who has promised to supply ALL my needs (not man). Think about all the widows and single parents out there. Are they any less cared for because they do not have a husband? Although everyone's circumstances are going to be different, I don't believe that God gives them any less just because they are not married. HE is our sufficiency. But in my case, God has given my husband to me as a gift. That's how God wants to take care of some of my needs. I just need to accept that and give myself permission to be weak to my husband because that's one of the reasons God has given him to me.

Thoughts for today

2005-08-16T22:41:00.000-06:00

Thought I would post something. I love being married...again. It's very different from my first marriage - I'm older, wiser, better circumstances. It's awesome! My husband is amazing!!! He's so supportive and encouraging. It's kind of hard to deal with sometimes, because of my staunch independence - I don't want to appear 'weak', like I would NEED someone; I've done this for 3 years on my own. Is it a sign of weakness to 'need' someone? It's going to be something I think I'll be dealing with for a while.

Feeling tired after my first day back to work (had to wake up 2 hours earlier than I have been on my holidays - urgh!). Read a good book on my honeymoon about 'explosive' children. It was good, learned a lot about my own parenting strategies. But also discouraging at times as I see myself slip back into my old, less productive parenting patterns.

Found out today that Pastor Dwayne Harms passed away. And that another friend of ours received some really bad news on Monday. I hate feeling powerless to the sickness around me.

Wedding photos

2005-08-15T08:48:00.000-06:00

Well, I'm back. I guess it's time to face the 'real' world. I had an awesome honeymoon! Relaxing, and lots of fun. The wedding day was great, too. Some friends who have flickr accounts have pooled their photos of the wedding here (you can also click on the title of this post to get to the site).

Today's the day

2005-08-01T08:37:00.000-06:00

I'm getting married. Only a few more hours of being Carol Fisher, soon to be Carol Tebay. Here we go!

2 days to go

2005-07-30T07:30:00.000-06:00

2 days to go until the wedding. Yay! I've completed all my work-work and now have 2 weeks of holidays. I'm so glad to have the time off. Now it's just to the last minute details, which after reviewing a checklist one of my bridesmaids sent me, doesn't look to be too bad. Doesn't look like I've missed much.

I'm excited. The day is almost here. And it's forcasted to be sunny, which is a good thing because the reception's happening outside. I'm feeling so very happy. I was talking to a co-worker yesterday and telling her I am totally a 'fairy tale' kind of person. I love to hear real-life stories that are like fairy tales. And I feel like my story is like a fairy tale, too. I love happy endings! Even though this is the beginning of something new, it is a happy ending to the journey I've been on for the past 3 1/2 years. Thank you to all the friends who have supported me along the way. I'm looking forward to celebrating with you on Monday!

Ok, now I'm getting excited

2005-07-26T22:25:00.000-06:00

Monday it finally hit - excitement over the wedding. Up until Sunday night, my mind was still filled with all the tasks to be completed before August 1. But some great friends surprised Leighton and I with an impromptu pre-wedding party and the excitement started to build. Monday morning came and I started feeling really excited. In less than a week, I'm going to be married! Wow!

Last night my bridesmaids held an 'impractical' bridal shower for me and it was great! I got lots of impractical - 'pamper me' stuff which I love but never spend money on. We talked a little bit about the journey I've been on for the past 3 1/2 years. And what a journey it has been. There were many days when I doubted that I would ever have a 'happy ending' but deep down in my heart I never stopped believing that God had a blessing for me in all this. Granted, there have been many blessings along the way, but I was desiring something greater than what I could imagine. Just like it says in Ephesians: "Now glory be to God! By his mighty power at work within us, he is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask or hope. May he be given glory in the church and in Christ Jesus forever and ever through endless ages. Amen." (Ephesians 3:20-21). And God has given me more than I could imagine. As I've gotten to know Leighton, I've realized the depth of the blessing God has given me in him. I'm so happy to be marrying him!

Ms. sleepyhead

2005-07-23T12:21:00.000-06:00

Tonight after the kids went to bed, I started watching TV on the couch and fell asleep until 11:30 pm. Must have needed the sleep.

With just over a week to the wedding, it feels like there's too much to do, too little time, but I know it'll all get done. The thing that is weighing most heavily on me is my workload at work. I want to get everything caught up by next Friday so I won't be overwhelmed by stuff when I get back after my 2 weeks of vacation. I think I'm most stressed about that. Cause I just don't know how I'm going to get it all done. Today was not fun. It started off ok, with great hopes of getting a lot accomplished, but then there were a number of things I had to deal with all at the same time and I never got all that I wanted to get done, done. If I didn't have that stuff hanging over my head, I think I'd be ok.

Oops, I forgot I'm not supposed to be thinking about work this weekend - nothing I can do about it now, so worrying about it is not going to help.

Anyways, I am really looking forward to a break. Going away. Relaxing. Time for me. No children asking for this or arguing about that (yes, my kids are covered, so I will be getting a honeymoon - yay!). I'm sooo looking forward to that.

"...Jesus often withdrew to the wilderness for prayer"

2005-07-17T14:47:00.000-06:00

Luke 5:16 (NLT)

I 'withdrew to the wilderness' this morning and it was so amazing. I was out of town, sitting on a hilltop, overlooking the prairie and grain fields. Being away from the city, in the midst of nature, of God's creation, is often where I feel closest to God and where I can hear Him most clearly. I love being there! Just me and God and the birds and the wind.

So, for those of us city dwellers, how can we withdraw to the wilderness? It's not that I don't want to be there, but where can we find the 'wilderness' where all is still and we can talk with God in the midst of the chaos of our lives? If anyone has any ideas, I'd like to know.

The value of debate

2005-07-09T09:38:00.000-06:00

I enjoy debate. I always have. In high school, I was constantly questioning my youth leaders about why we believed the things we did. Just ask him; he grew up with me. Why was I questioning? Because I honestly wanted to know the Truth. It was not good enough for me to have someone tell me what to believe. I wanted to seek it out and know it for myself.

After college, that same kind of hunger for the Truth lay dormant for several years. I had become part of a group that exposed me to things I'd never heard of before. It was illuminating, freeing, healing. But I started to accept what these people were telling me and stopped testing it and knowing it for myself. It's not that it's wrong to accept other people's teachings, but if I am not testing it for myself, there is the danger that I could fall into heresy. Tell me something, throw a couple of Bible verses at it, sounds reasonable to me, so let's follow that. But is that good enough? The Bible warns of false teachers (Matthew 24:11,24-25, Acts 20:29-30, 2 Peter 2:1, 1 John 4:1).

How can I be sure that what I am following is true or false? I believe the individual's personal relationship with God and their relationship with a group of believers provide a good balance for testing and knowing the Truth. Be in relationship with a community of believers where there is freedom to dialogue and discuss topics. Everyone comes at God's word from a different perspective and different life experiences. There is a richness and depth when a person studies the Word and grapples with issues in the context of a group. But people need to make sure they are testing things for themselves and not simply following the group. Our Christian walk is still a personal walk with the Lord and we need to allow Him to direct our lives first.

Over this past year, I have undergone a re-awakening of my old hunger to know the Truth for myself. I am finding it so refreshing to grapple with topics in my own study and in conversation with others. So many people have so many different perspectives. There is no one right or wrong point of view. I used to live in a 'bubble', where my perspective was viewed through one lens. Now I'm looking through various lenses and seeing the strengths and weaknesses in each. Lord, let me never get stuck in the rut where I am open to only one point of view!

That's why I love debate. A person is exposed to all sorts of ways of looking at things. They need to be open to points of view different from their own and test what it is they truly believe. It makes people think.

Sometimes, however, there can be some interesting reactions to a person who is searching. They can be seen as one who is "doing what is right in their own eyes" (Judges 21:25), or a person who is rebellious, or has been led astray, or is complaining against leadership. But if a person is honestly seeking, I don't think any of these statements apply. How often have I used blanket statements like these to describe someone I didn't really know when they challenged my point of view? I've done this in the past and I know that it's wrong. What right do I have to potentially falsely accuse my brothers or sisters in Christ like that? That's not my job. I wonder how many of us have done this without even realizing that we were doing it.

Rather than viewing questioning as a negative thing, we should welcome it. Honest, sincere debate is healthy and can greatly benefit the body of Christ.

Out of sorts

2005-07-07T21:45:00.000-06:00

I'm feeling out of sorts right now. Misunderstandings, mind games, breakdown in communication - it all bugs me. I hate it when it happens. I spend my time trying to figure out why I reacted the way I did or why the other person reacted the way they did - sometimes (perhaps most times) I overanalyse way too much. I want to learn from my experiences, but there is also this side of me that wants to put up walls in an attempt to protect myself. I hate that side of me. I don't want to go there. Human nature sucks sometimes! When can I be free of this sinful nature that tries to save itself when the only way I can be saved is for that nature to die?

I'm too inward focused right now. Gotta get back to God. Why is it so hard sometimes? I love Him, but I've lost my way. Why do I feel like I am drowning in all the responsibilities of this life? Where is the simple love and delight in His presence?

Torn apart

2005-07-04T00:26:00.000-06:00

It is so hard when the dreams I cling to are exposed. I'd like to think I've got everything submitted to God (all the important stuff anyway), but I don't. I have imagined things would happen in a certain way and when faced with the reality that they may or may not happen, I feel torn apart inside. I so badly want to see those dreams come true. Surrendering my wants and desires to God IS death! It hurts; it tears me up inside. I don't want to let go of those dreams. I don't want to come to grips with the fact that I might not get what I want. I don't want to trust God that even though my dreams might not happen the way I planned them, He still has good things planned for me and that everything will be OK. Part of me doesn't want to believe that because I still want what I want. It is so hard...letting go.

On worship

2005-07-02T08:07:00.000-06:00

I read this in an article a friend emailed to me. It definitely rings true with the cry of my heart.

"Worship is about a cry of the heart, not a slick production. Worship is about me coming to God and pouring out my guts, it's not about having the latest sound or a hot new song. Worship is about receiving forgiveness and healing when I confess my sin and weakness. Worship isn't about sophistication, it's about honesty—taking off our spiritual disguises and letting God get under our layers of self-protection. I find that the Holy Spirit doesn't respond to the polished outer presentation, but the hungry heart."

- by Andy Park, "Simple Worship is All We Really Need: A Word to Worship Leaders"
Visit www.andypark.ca/articles.shtml for more information

One month today...

2005-07-01T20:46:00.000-06:00

...I'll be getting married. Wow!

Every wind of doctrine

2005-07-01T07:06:00.000-06:00

"...we are no longer to be children, tossed here and there by waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine..." Ephesians 4:14 (NASB)

A few weeks ago, a group of us took a look at Ephesians 4. We were studying how the body of Christ functions; what it looks like in the passage. When we came across verse 14, the phrase "carried about by every wind of doctrine" really stuck with me and I've been thinking about it ever since.

What is a "wind of doctrine"? I started thinking about charismatic circles in particular. It appears that they are constantly shifting from one focus to the next - I call it the 'flavour of the month'. In my experience, I've seen the focus shift from spiritual warfare to worship to First Nations healing/reconciliation to Jewish roots to the prophetic to the apostolic to discipleship to covering and authority. Are these 'winds of doctrine'? They don't go directly against God's word, but is that where our focus should be?

The way I view it, these things are on the periphery of what the heart of the gospel is - to love one another, to love God, and in loving God and each other, we choose to die daily to our old sinful nature. Almost all the things I mentioned above never address the change God wants to work in each of us, to become more like Christ (the only one that would speak to this would be discipleship). Why does it seem people spend so much time focusing on the issues on the periphery and not what is at the heart?

On the bus

2005-06-30T23:14:00.000-06:00

Bare with me here. I'm going to try to use an analogy that popped into my head the other day about what I've been experiencing.

Let's say 'the bus' is a group of people who all meet together in the same church building once a week - a congregation of a particular church. Some of those people are on 'the bus' 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Each bus has slightly (or possibly largely) different ideas on issues concerning faith, leadership, the Christian walk, etc. The people who stay on the bus all the time for the most part hold to the ideas of that particular bus. The bus might stop beside another bus and the people on those 2 buses may talk to each other while waiting at a stop light or in a traffic jam. But each person stays on their own bus.

There are people, however, who do not ride the bus all the time. They might get off and go for a walk. Or they might board another bus for a while and then get back onto the first bus. They don't necessarily hold to all the ideas of the bus they are riding. While not riding the same bus 24 hours a day/7 days a week can broaden a person's perspective and help them test more thoroughly what they're hearing, their relationships with the people who ride 24/7 seem to be affected. It's like when you get onto a bus and everyone is talking and laughing, but you don't know what they're talking about and you've missed out on the joke. After being on the bus for a while, you can pick up on the conversation and enter into the discussion, but there always seems to be a lag time when you first get back on the bus.

As I've been thinking about this analogy, some questions have popped into my mind:
Is it biblical for a congregation to ask everyone in that congregation to hold to the same ideas?
(I used to think this was the way towards unity, but now I'm not so sure)
And if this approach is biblical, what place is there in this framework for people who don't think the same as everyone else? Or who don't necessarily hold to the same ideas (although they can agree on the foundations of the Christian faith - Christ's death & resurrection, for example)?
Can we or are we able to accept and embrace those people who don't 'tow the party line'? What do we do with those people? Can they function in unity with the rest of the body of Christ?
What does unity in Christ look like?

My sister's wedding

2005-06-26T11:03:00.000-06:00

My sister's wedding was yesterday. It was a long day, stressful at times (like trying to get to the church on time), but overall it was really good. I'm happy for my sister. Curtis (her husband) is a nice guy. It felt kind of wierd when he called me 'sis' but I'll get used to that. My boys handed out bubbles and did really well during the ceremony and reception.

My extended family met Leighton for the first time yesterday. They're all really happy for me, and they keep saying they've heard good things about him (although I wonder from where; he hasn't spent a lot of time with my parents yet). But I'm glad that they all like him so much. It makes it a lot easier.

My family said some nice things about me yesterday. It was good to hear. My dad isn't that expressive when it comes to emotional things and I seem to only remember the negative things said when I was growing up. I think I came to believe that my family didn't really like me (although I know that's not true), especially after I had tarnished their reputation. I realized last night that maybe I'm more accepted than I thought I was. I guess that means I need to lay down some of my defenses and let them 'in' some more.

The highlight of the evening was watching David, my oldest boy, who is 9, dancing with Tori, a 9 year old girl who is part of Curtis' family (Leighton got it all on video). I've never seen David interacting with a girl like that. Part of me was laughing at his initial terror, and part of me was thinking "I'm going to be dealing with this in a few years!". I am so glad Leighton is around to help deal with all those 'guy' issues which are completely foriegn to me (otherwise I would have been calling in Darcy and Kelly to help deal with it :))

I am glad that the wedding is over, though. I had to do a lot of piano practicing and now that that's over, I can work on my own wedding and maybe things won't feel so crazy around here (although I'm sure that's wishful thinking).

Too tired...

2005-06-18T23:35:00.000-06:00

Long day. Too tired to blog. There! News about me. :)

Another new blog

2005-06-09T22:57:00.000-06:00

Sarah is now blogging at carebearsunshine.blogspot.com. I'm beginning to see more and more the benefits of blogging. My life has been so crazy lately I realized that I really haven't spent very much time with my friends in the last while. It's not that I wouldn't want to, but other things seem to have crowded in. As most of my friends have now joined the blogging world, I can read their thoughts and see what's going on in their lives. I feel more connected and less isolated from them than before.

Now all we need is CWG's wife to start her own blog. She says she doesn't write, but she can talk on the phone for quite a while, so what's the difference between that and just typing those same thoughts out, I say. She's also been known to comment on other people's blogs as well. Maybe if I bug her enough online, she'll get fed up and join us. :)

The future of our country

2005-06-08T23:26:00.000-06:00

"The very future of our country, and of our children and grandchildren, literally depends on whether we can preserve traditional marriage and the natural family in Canada." - quote from Defend Marriage, Canada! Newsletter in reference to legislation legalizing same-sex marriages.

I am not in favor of same-sex marriages. But this quote stood out to me. Is this really a true statement? What does the future of our country truly depend on? Is it man's actions? Or is it God's divine power? Or is it a combination of the two?

Still here

2005-06-07T22:42:00.000-06:00

Life's pretty crazy for me right now: work, kids, my sister's wedding, the list goes on. I've got lots on my mind but no time to put it down in writing. I hope this whirlwind will stop soon. I really don't like being this busy and as I'm in the midst of it, it's hard for me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm sure this is sounding like a pity party. I'm sorry. It's also much more challenging to be positive when under what 'feels' like a mountain of stress. I need some perspective. But maybe I'd better stop for now. When life slows down, I'll be here more.

Livin Forgiven

2005-06-01T22:49:00.000-06:00

My good friend, Ninette, has jumped on the band wagon and started up her own blog. You can catch her at Livin Forgiven. She absolutely amazes me. God absolutely amazes me. I have seen Him take her life and totally transform it. She 'glows'. Before she became a Christian, just a few years ago, she was a completely different person. And she has allowed God to do this amazing work in her. Everytime I see Ninette, I am encouraged and my faith strengthened. If God can do such an amazing thing in her, nothing is too difficult for Him. I look forward to hearing what she has to say.

Memories of my former life

2005-05-23T22:54:00.000-06:00

I cleaned out my storage room today. I am a pack-rat by nature and today I set out to get rid of a lot of stuff. I ran across several things from the days when I was in Bible school and when I was dating Mike, even stuff when we got married. Eventually all those memories took their toll on me and I just had to stop and cry. Grieving very often takes me by surprise; I wasn't even thinking of how sorting through all that stuff was going to affect me and then I was wondering why I was feeling sad and out-of-sorts, and then I realized I just needed to stop, accept what I was feeling and grieve.

Part of me feels like I'm letting go of my former life (even though I haven't lived that life in a long time) as I've been sorting - deciding what to keep and what to get rid of. It's really only symbolic but it seems to hold meaning. I don't understand it all. But I'm glad I'm doing it now and not right before my wedding. I want to be able to look to the past with fond memories, but not to cling to it. I want to embrace all that God has for me today. And in order to do that, I must let go.

Back in the land of single motherhood

2005-05-20T09:20:00.000-06:00

I've had a few days of 'no responsibility', a few days of the truly bachelor life. It was nice. Wednesday evening, I sat in my hotel room and read the newspaper for probably close to an hour. It was so nice just to sit and read, with no interruptions, no having to feed someone or put someone to bed, or deal with some altercation.

I guess there's a lot of things I miss with the fact I'm a single mom. I don't think about them too much, because I think if I did, I could get really frustrated and bitter. But in the same way, its probably not a bad idea to visit the things I sacrifice in doing what I do, because then I can appreciate the position I'm in and take pride in the fact that for the most part I'm doing a good job, and that not everyone would survive (and in fact, thrive) faced with the circumstances I've been given.

I write this and wonder if I'm tooting my own horn, but you know what? I tend to undervalue myself a lot! And I'm really proud of the fact that I have walked through these past three years and am actually 'thriving'. God has done an amazing thing in me, but I had to make the choice to follow Him within this circumstance. During my training course this week, we had to do an exercise about what we thought about ourselves. One of the questions was "What do you consider to be your greatest accomplishment?" My response was instant: my greatest accomplishment is facing the sudden death of my husband and managing my life, my kids, and my finances on my own.

I think I take for granted what I do. I assume anyone could do it. Leighton took on the role of 'single dad' while I was in Calgary this week. And he did an awesome job! My kids love him so much. I wish I could have been there to see Matthew when Leighton dropped him off at the daycare and Matthew said (with much pride): "This is Leighton. He's going to be my new dad." But Leighton would not want my life for an extended period of time. He told me that a person gives up their life to take care of those kids. And its true. I have very little time for myself. But it's something I do because I love my kids. They only have me. And I want to give as much as I can to ensure they grow up healthy and cared for.

All that will be changing come this summer when we get married (and by the way, after getting these 'taste tests' of 'dad', my boys cannot wait until Leighton can 'move in with us'). I'm really looking forward to being married again (and its not because my life and my family can now be complete; it's because I love the man! - I'll have to post my thoughts on that another time). But it will be different. It's very hard for me to picture what life will be like, but I know it will be good.

I'm feeling thankful right now. Thankful for the fact that I've experienced single parenthood. I can relate to single parents because I live in their shoes. But I'm also thankful because it has taught me to cherish a lot of the simple things in life people take for granted. When I'm given an afternoon to have a nap (while my boys clean up the backyard) or time to go to a training course and not have to worry about my kids, it means a whole lot to me. It's priceless.

In training

2005-05-17T22:02:00.000-06:00

Ok, I haven't been here for a while and I must admit, I miss it.

Anyways, a little about my life... at this moment, I am in another city taking a 3-day selling course for my company. Today was the first day and I am loving it! I love to learn and I also love the fact that I have a few days of 'no responsibility' (a.k.a. I'm not responsible for my children because they're still at home :) ).

Things I value about my times of 'no responsiblity': no getting children up and ready for school/daycare and no making meals (or cleaning up afterwards).

No more thoughts for this evening. I'm going to go sit in the whirlpool for a while.

New blog

2005-05-07T08:33:00.000-06:00

My friend Ranya has started her own blog. You can check her out at www.hearherwalk.blogspot.com.

...on my mind

2005-05-06T22:22:00.000-06:00

It's been a busy week. You know, one of those weeks where you have a hard time remembering what you did two days ago. My brain feels like mush. I know I've had a profound thought at least once or twice this week, but they escape me right now.

I'm enjoying being engaged. It feels a little weird at times, to be talking about getting engaged to all my married friends who have children. We all hang out together (or chat online) and we all have kids. And it feels just a little backwards to be engaged now. But I'm used to this. It felt sooo weird to be dating and having all those feelings of infatuation, etc. after my husband passed away. THAT felt really weird. I'd say to myself "I'm too old to be doing this again!" But I know I'm not the only one. And I'm determined to enjoy every minute of it. How many people have the opportunity to experience these things twice?

Although in this society there are lots of people who do experience these things more than once. But I believe widowed people have an advantage because they don't have to carry with them all the baggage that comes with the breakdown of a relationship. I am completely absolved of all guilt and there are no feelings of rejection. My husband's death was something completely out of my control.

I feel much more deeply now for people who experience separation and divorce. As far as I'm concerned, they've got a much more difficult road to walk. And it saddens me how so many people will rally around someone whose spouse has died (which is good), but that same level of support is not extended to many divorced people. I know it's a more 'touchy' situation, but these people need people to love them. And especially if they have children! Those children need people to 'father' and 'mother' them and provide examples of what healthy relationships look like.

Don't get me wrong. I do NOT support divorce. I hate the effect it has on adults and children. But if it happens to someone, I don't want to be someone who lays blame ('let him who has no sin cast the first stone'), and I don't want to be someone who ignores the people involved. That just makes it worse.

That's it for now. I've had my rant for tonight.

Great Expectations

2005-05-01T08:22:00.000-06:00

- by Steven Curtis Chapman

The morning finds me here at heaven’s door

A place I’ve been so many times before

Familiar thoughts and phrases start to flow

And carry me to places that I know so well

But dare I go where I don’t understand

And do I dare remember where I am

I stand before the great eternal throne

The one that God himself is seated on

And I, I’ve been invited as a son

Oh I, I’ve been invited to come and

Believe the unbelievable

Receive the inconceivable

And see beyond my wildest imagination

Lord I come with great expectations

So wake the hope that slumbers in my soul

Stir the fire inside and make it glow

I’m trusting in a love that has no end

The savior of this world has called me friend

And I, I’ve been invited with the son

Oh I, I’ve been invited to come and

We’ve been invited with the son

And we’ve been invited to come and

Believe the unbelievable

Receive the inconceivable

And see beyond our wildest imagination

Lord we come with great expectations

~
I love fairy tales. I see my journey these past 3 years as taking me to the place where dreams come true. I want to believe the unbelievable, and receive the inconceivable, and see beyond my wildest imagination. And that's happening before my eyes. Who would have known that such a wonderful life was ahead of me, when all I could see was pain and death?

(I know I'm being idealistic and that life is not all roses. I know there are trials ahead, but God is faithful to walk with me through all of them. So I'm not going to worry about that. For today, I'm going to dream and enjoy all the good things in my life, and praise God because He loves me!)

The engagement

2005-04-29T20:44:00.000-06:00

Once upon a time, there was a princess who married a prince. They lived happily together and had two boys. But then the prince died, and the princess was left all alone. But she was never really alone, for her heavenly Father loved her very much and had already made a way for her and her two boys. Because He knew the beginning from the end; He knew how everything would turn out. And He told the princess not to be afraid and not to worry. He told her that there were good things, beyond what she could imagine, in store for her.

And the princess met another prince. He was gentle and kind, and she loved him very much. Through valleys and mountains they travelled and through their journeys the prince came to understand how much the princess truly loved him. So he asked her to marry him...

The princess is me and Leighton Tebay asked me to marry him this evening... and I said 'Yes!'

Acceptance of self

2005-04-28T22:55:00.000-06:00

I had a bit of a revelation today. Some of you will probably be thinking, 'well duh', but I think I'm understanding it in a deeper way.

As I accept myself for who I am, I have the freedom to accept my children for who they are. There is less fear of what people may think and less pressure on my kids. My children do much better and are happier when I can accept them in all their strengths and weaknesses. They, in turn, learn to accept themselves. And I believe they will be less likely to try to conform to become something they are not because they will be content with who they are (and that stems from their mother being content with who they are to begin with).

A restful weekend

2005-04-25T22:36:00.000-06:00

I had a wonderful time at the women's retreat this weekend. The weather was beautiful, I was able to tramp around in the woods, experience some hours of uninterrupted solitude, have great conversations with some awesome ladies, was able to rest. There was such a sense of peace over the whole weekend.

And as a bonus, I was able to connect with a family in P.A. that I've wanted to connect with.

My boys seem to have had a good time as well. Thanks, LT. I'm glad you had fun.

Where have I been?

2005-04-22T00:10:00.000-06:00

It's been a very busy last couple of weeks. I haven't been around much and I won't be around this weekend. Going on a retreat with a bunch of other women from my church. Looking forward to it. Aahhh... peace... quiet... solitude. Bring it on!

Boy, aged 8, enters the blog world

2005-04-10T23:31:00.000-06:00

Hey, everyone, my son joined the ranks of the blog world today. You can check him out at www.davidelijah.blogspot.com.

A moment of insensitivity

2005-04-10T23:22:00.000-06:00

I'm here to say, "I'm sorry."

I realize when I posted my "If I stopped coming to church..." entry, it hurt some people. I know that there are people who read my blog who go to this church and I was being insensitive to them. I'm sorry.

I can't say my intentions were entirely noble. I was feeling sorry for myself, among other things. I think I was wanting to be able to connect with some of my close friendships in this church, feeling like that wasn't happening, and in my frustration and the other emotions I was experiencing, start to wonder if anyone cared or would miss me. I think inside I was screaming, "Hey, I miss you! Don't you miss me?"

But, I realize I was being very insensitive. And I am very sorry. I really do care about you. And I really miss you. So much has changed and is changing in my life. I want to be able to share my heart with you, and I want to hear your heart.

I think you misunderstand me

2005-04-08T21:21:00.000-06:00

In response to my last post and the comments posted there, here's some more thoughts.

I think I'm being misunderstood. In my last post, I was trying to sort out what I have been feeling and I was putting down whatever thoughts were coming to my mind. Although I technically did not state it, I think some people are assuming that my feelings of disconnect are a result of the fact that I am part of two communities of faith. I don't think that is the case. Upon further reflection, I'm realizing the disconnect is coming from somewhere else.

What am I finding to be so difficult right now? I think it's change and the finality that goes with it. Just as going through the experience of having your husband suddenly die changes you forever, the changes in myself that I have experienced over the last several months have changed me forever; I will never be the same. How I perceive things, how I respond to things is different in some ways, and this is affecting what I'm feeling when I'm interacting in my relationships. I understand that things will never be quite the same, that something is different in me now, and I'm grieving that loss.

I never used to allow myself to question things because I thought that by questioning I was not submitting to leadership and that I was being rebellious. Having come through the process of learning to allow myself to feel what I'm actually feeling, I find that I'm questioning certain assumptions where I never would have before. I believe this is the cause of my feelings of disconnect. I felt 'connected' before because I was conforming; now I'm feeling 'disconnected' because I'm no longer conforming for conformity's sake. I think my feelings with pass as I get more used to the 'new me'. I do not wish to be rebellious. On the contrary, I believe this change is a good thing. Being a follower who does not think or test does not benefit the body of Christ.

I'd like to address one more thing that was mentioned in the comments of my previous post. It's something that really bothers me. It's the assumption that when a person is involved in 2 communities of faith that by default, there will automatically be conflict and torn loyalties between the two. I really, really do not agree with this. I will admit that there are instances where there is conflict and torn loyalties. However, I honestly am not experiencing any of those in my situation. The 2 communities operate on very different levels and I function in different roles in each. I am not experiencing any stress or tension as a result of being part of 2 different communities. And it really bothers me that people assume that it has to be there. Actually, I'm finding I have the benefit of being able to see things from 2 different perspectives rather than just one.

And to say I will have to decide which community I will be accountable to seems a little ridiculous to me. Why can't I be accountable to both communities? I'm accountable to my employer and I'm accountable to my kids and I'm accountable to my friends; there's no opposition in these. Why should there have to be opposition in this? If there were some foundational theological conflicts between the 2 communities, I could understand why there might be a problem, but there aren't any as far as I can see.

I think there are some assumptions being made that may not apply. This reminds me of something I went through at Christmas-time. There were some people making assumptions concerning a certain relationship of mine and I added those assumptions to ones I already had. The assumptions were not being met in the relationship and I began to feel pretty stressed about the whole thing. Then I felt God prompting me to lay down my assumptions. As soon as I did that, I was able to see things differently and the tension eased. The relationship is great now! I believe when we lay down our assumptions, it enables God to show us things from His perspective.

Those are my thoughts for now. Leave me a comment if you'd like.

If I stopped coming to church, would anyone miss me?

2005-04-04T23:26:00.000-06:00

Been thinking about all sorts of things about the church and people lately. The perspectives I once had about 'church' are shifting. It's kind of like changing out of some old clothes and trying to figure out what the new ones look like, how they fit, how they feel. I'm not sure how I fit into the whole scheme of things in God's kingdom anymore. I once thought I was so strongly connected to my church family that nothing would be able to pull me away from it. But I was very much a 'follower' who did very little (if any) discerning or testing of what was being presented to me. ('Presented to me....' - I've got thoughts about the whole structure thing, too, but that will have to wait until another time.)

But now I am testing and weighing things a lot more than I used to. I don't always agree with what's being said, with people's points of view. My husband used to come home from church and be questioning all sorts of stuff and feeling quite frustrated and discouraged about the whole thing. And I used to be very uncomfortable with that ("don't rock the boat"). Now I find myself f0llowing in his footsteps in some ways.

I'm also part of a second community of faith and seeing some positive points in it, too. It's not that I don't love the people in my first church. I love them very much and that is perhaps why I'm finding this to be a bit of a difficult time right now. I think I'm finding my voice. But is my 'voice' in harmony with the rest of the choir? I don't know. I feel so disconnected with my first church. I long for depth in those relationships but the church structure on Sunday mornings doesn't really faciliate that. And we're all busy with our lives. How can these relationships grow and develop? How can I stop the 'drifting apart' that I'm feeling?

I'm rambling and probably not making a lot of sense. I don't have all my thoughts sorted out in my mind. I guess that's what this blogging space is here for - to sort things out sometimes.

Touching God

2005-04-02T23:09:00.000-06:00

I was speaking with a friend today who is a Catholic. He is quite affected by the passing of the Pope. He told me he had met the Pope in Rome when he was a young boy. It was a very special moment to him. I asked him why. He told me it was like touching God.

I've been thinking about his comment. As I am not part of the Catholic church, it is difficult for me to understand what Catholics are experiencing. Do people feel that they must physically touch the Pope in order to touch God?

I believe that as God's children, we have the opportunity to 'touch' God every day. I think of Matthew 25:34-40 where Jesus says that whenever we do a kindness for another, we are doing it to Him. Do I 'touch' God when I call up a friend who's experiencing turmoil in her life to be that listening ear and reassuring her she is not alone? Do I 'touch' God when I comfort a frightened child? I believe we are 'touching' God all the time, whether we realize it or not.

Conversely, because the Holy Spirit lives in us, I believe that we can experience God's 'touch' through our interactions with other believers. There have certainly been times in my life when I have experienced God's 'touch' through other believers. There are times when I have felt God Himself holding me.

It grieves me to think that there are people who are longing for God's touch and longing to touch Him, but don't understand that what they desire is a possibility right where they are, that they don't have to go to Rome in order to experience it.

Thoughts on the inerrancy of the bible

2005-04-01T21:57:00.000-06:00

There are some great insights on the Bible in this post (spurred on from a discussion at another blog). Thanks to LT for the link.

2005-04-01T21:20:00.000-06:00

"Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life." - J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings, The Fellowship of the Ring, Chapter 2 -The Shadow of the Past

I'm reading my favorite book to my kids and absolutely loving it! It has been a dream of mine since my oldest was born that some day I would read The Lord of the Rings to him. I still remember when I read it for the first time in grade 11, and all the thrills and excitement, the heartaches, and the triumphs I experienced on my first journey through the book. I am having a great time experiencing it afresh through my children's eyes. This is so much fun!

'Accepting Jesus into your heart'

2005-03-29T22:58:00.000-06:00

I was thinking about people's interpretation of salvation, or the initial step, at least. I generally hear the phrase 'accept Jesus into your heart' and then you will be saved. What does 'accept Jesus into your heart' really mean? Is it even biblical?

Think about this in the context of children (let's say 12 and under). Often when I hear people who 'accepted Jesus into their heart' at an early age give their testimony, they'll say they didn't really understand what it meant at the time. Some people don't even remember doing it. Well then, if they didn't understand and/or they didn't even remember, what is the point of that?

Here's a radical thought: my limited interpretation of the Catholic faith is that infant baptism is a parent's way of ensuring their child's 'salvation'. Could 'accepting Jesus into your heart' be the evangelical's substitute for infant baptism? It stands as an assurance to the parent of their child's salvation.

'Accepting Jesus into your heart' speaks nothing about being discipled or baptised or being a follower of Christ. Those things I find referred to in the Bible; 'accepting Jesus into your heart', I do not.

What do you do with a heavy heart?

2005-03-27T21:46:00.000-06:00

What do you do with a heavy heart? When you feel burdened down and sad and don't really know why you're feeling the way you're feeling. I'm a very analytical thinker and like to have everything understood and compartmentalized. I don't understand why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling today. I feel incredibly sad. I don't know why. This really bugs me. I'm using a large part of my brain energy to try to figure this one out, which has made me distracted and irritable today (not a good thing when you're towing 2 distracted and energetic children around from church to family gathering and back home again). I think I'm hearing God telling me to stop striving. That's really hard to do. Leave a mystery unsolved? I don't think so. But my analyzing and over-analyzing is not getting me anywhere either.

Conflict, what conflict?

2005-03-24T23:02:00.000-06:00

I've been thinking about conflict and the church. We're messed up. People want to avoid conflict, so instead of talking to the person they have an issue with, they complain about it to other people, who take up their cause and spread it to others. They think they have avoided conflict, but in reality, they've created a whole lot of it, by getting a bunch of other people riled up. I believe it's called gossip.

Or, instead of trying to understand someone who is different or who may not be perfect, we often judge them, creating a wall between us and the other person. We've made up our mind about that person and won't let them 'in'. This too, creates conflict, because it creates division between people.

Yet, if someone were to speak the truth to someone who might not want to hear it, we think that's creating conflict, because the person might reject what we say or worse still, reject us. We use the passages about 'taking the plank out of our own eye before trying to remove the speck of dust from our neighbor's eye', and 'as much as it is possible for us, to live in harmony with each other', to justify our inaction (I'm not speaking about those people who feel the need to speak their mind to anyone and everyone with no regard for people's feelings; they also create a whole lot of conflict with their malicious talk).

What's conflict and what's not? Let me rephrase the question: what is good conflict for the church and what is bad conflict? Jesus sure created a lot of conflict when he was here on earth. How can we tell the difference between the two?

Are we like the Pharisees, who focused on the wrong things and ignored the important ones? Why do we tolerate gossip and judging, but resist speaking the truth in love? Are we more worried about how we will feel than how the other person is affected? For example, when a person gossips, it makes them feel better because they are justified for the way they are thinking and feeling. Do they consider how the other person feels? Probably not. Their focus is on themselves. When a person speaks the truth to another person out of love and concern for that person, their focus is on the other person, not on themselves. They are willing to take the 'hit', the possible rejection that may come, because they care about the other person more than how they themselves will feel.

Are we just so self-centered and selfish that we can't move out of our comfort zones into truly loving one another? Isn't it our lack of love that keeps us from speaking truth to each other, even though it may hurt? "Wounds from a friend are better than many kisses from an enemy." (Proverbs 27:6) Isn't it our lack of love that feeds gossipping and judgement when there should be mercy and grace?

Bits and pieces

2005-03-22T23:19:00.000-06:00

Feel like writing something, but don't know what to write. Generally, I'm feeling good. Really busy day at work. We're down by 3 people in the office for this week. It's been a little crazy. I'm really really looking forward to when all the snow will melt. It will happen... someday. I'm believing that. I love my car (Toyota Echo), but it sucks to drive in snow. Got stuck for a while in the Midtown parking lot today. What fun! I have no profound thoughts today, so I'll leave it at that.

The infinite value of life

2005-03-19T07:49:00.000-06:00

A lady in my church passed away yesterday. She had been sick for a long time. Our church had been praying for healing, but it didn't happen the way we had hoped. I feel sad. There are so many things I wish I understood about how God works. I wish it wasn't such a struggle to 'know' how we are to approach life... and death.

I receive daily meditations from the Henri Nouwen society. This is what I received today. It speaks very deeply to the thoughts in my heart this morning.

"Some people live long lives, some die very young. Is a long life better than a short life? What truly counts is not the length of our lives but their quality. Jesus was in his early thirties when he was killed. Thérése de Lisieux was in her twenties when she died. Anne Frank was a teenager when she lost her life. But their short lives continue to bear fruit long after their deaths. A long life is a blessing when it is well lived and leads to gratitude, wisdom, and sanctity. But some people can live truly full lives even when their years are few. As we see so many young people die of cancer and AIDS let us do everything possible to show our friends that, though their lives may be short, they are of infinite value." - Henri Nouwen

Learning to love ourselves

2005-03-17T21:46:00.000-06:00

I was listening to the song "Beautiful" by Ginny Owens and thinking about how so often it is difficult for us to see ourselves as beautiful. We see all the things we don't like about ourselves and wonder how God could ever see us as beautiful. Perhaps the things we see in ourselves that we don't like were never meant to be a part of who we are. Maybe that's why we don't like those parts. But God sees who we really are, who He created us to be. And His desire is to remove those things which we are not, in order for what He created in us to be revealed. As we allow God to do this work in our lives, like the blossoming of a flower, we begin to see ourselves as God sees us. We begin to see ourselves as beautiful.

Life is good

2005-03-16T23:38:00.000-06:00

Things have been going really well lately. I am totally enjoying 2005! My children are doing well. My oldest has had difficulties, especially at school, at times in the past, but this year he has been doing awesome. I'm so proud of him. My new job is great! I love the atmosphere (each morning I come to work and walk into a garden - not too bad!), and the people in my office are great to work with. I know it's not going to be perfect, but the change of scenery has been incredibly refreshing and energizing. My relationships with some people in particular are doing really well. And I've been able to connect more with some friends that I haven't spoken to as much in the past. I feel good about myself. I'm enjoying who I am and I'm having a lot of fun.

In the past, my internal reaction to all this 'good stuff' would be to brace myself for the next difficulty that would come my way, not expecting anything good to last too long. But God chastised me about this attitude a few weeks ago. It's a lack of trust in my God that would lead me to try to prepare for the worst. Will my life always be roses? No. But God is the One who is leading me through this life. He knows what's ahead and He is faithful to prepare me for what's in store. I miss out on His blessings when I spend my time worrying about what might happen next. I don't want to do that anymore. God has given me these blessings for right now, so I'm going to enjoy them!

The value of marriage

2005-03-11T22:34:00.000-06:00

I received a newsletter concerning the same-sex marriage legislation that is being proposed for Canada. The newsletter was comparing Canada to Australia (a country which has legislated against same-sex marriages), and stressing that if same-sex marriage legislation is passed, it will have a profound detrimental impact on our society. While I do not deny this, the impression I received when reading this newsletter was that same-sex marriage legislation is the one key thing that is opposing traditional marriage in our society; almost as if to say that if the legislation were to be struck down, the state of marriage in our society would no longer be at risk. Here's some excerpts from the newsletter:

"how marriage is defined will profoundly affect our future stability and our success because it will directly affect families. They [the Australian government] understand that the future of Australia is tied to the strength of her families. Throughout history and across cultures, strong families have always been the essential foundation of strong, resilient and successful societies." But don't we understand that we no longer have strong families in this society? Divorce runs rampant in Canada.

"Legalizing same-sex marriage would profoundly and negatively affect the future of the family in Canada or any other country that takes such an action. It would inevitably and irreversibly change the way our children and future generations would look at marriage and its relationship to the family. Instead of viewing marriage as we generally do today, as the ideal and desirable relationship within which to form a family and raise children, future generations increasingly would view it as little more than an official recognition of any two people's professed affection for each other. If government devalues marriage and the family, as our Government proposes to do through this legislation, then the citizens will soon do so as well." The government already devalues marriage; its citizens already devalue marriage. Divorce is an acceptable way of dealing with less than ideal marriages. The way our children view marriage has already been skewed. Our society has already been affected.

Just what battle do we think we're fighting here? If we're fighting to try to save the state/value of marriage in our society, we're already too late. We're already drowning in the flood waters. Can't we see it? Do we honestly think that if same-sex marriages are stopped, our marriages and the stability of our society will be restored? I don't think there's anything we can humanly do to stop this tide. The only one who can rescue us is God. And as long as we think that by our own human effort we will be able to make things right, we will continue to drown.

New things

2005-03-10T22:16:00.000-06:00

I started a new job last Thursday. It's going to be good, although it's been very busy. I'll post more about it later.

Parenthood

2005-03-07T20:30:00.000-06:00

Children are their parents' guests. They come into the space that has been created for them, stay for a while - fifteen, twenty, or twenty-five years - and leave again to create their own space. Although parents speak about "our son" and "our daughter," their children are not their property. In many ways children are strangers. Parents have to come to know them, discover their strengths and their weaknesses, and guide them to maturity, allowing them to make their own decisions.

The greatest gift parents can give their children is their love for each other. Through that love they create an anxiety-free place for their children to grow, encouraging them to develop confidence in themselves and find the freedom to choose their own ways in life.

- Henri Nouwen

I read this today and thought it was a great perspective on parenting.

Technical difficulties

2005-03-03T22:25:00.000-06:00

I was going to post a rant on how much I hated the movie "A.I" (Artificial Intelligence) by Steven Spielberg (I finished watching it tonight), but then something happened to my internet when I tried to post and I lost what I wrote. So, forget it. I'm going to bed.

Neediness

2005-03-01T22:48:00.000-06:00

We all have needs. And we all have expectations. When I place my hope in another person to fill my need, I open myself up for disappointment and pain. My expectation that someone will fill my needs greatly affects how I relate to that person. I might be constantly trying to appease this person because if they became upset with me, they might not fill my need. Fear will become the motivating factor, fear of not having my needs met. I cannot truly be myself in this situation because my thoughts, my actions, are ruled by how I think the other person will respond to me. My source of life becomes the other person.

Freedom comes when I transfer my expectations from people to God. He is my Source. He is the One who fills all my needs. He may choose to use people to fill those needs, but my hope is not in people. They are not the source of my life. My confidence is in God, in His faithfulness. He has promised to meet my needs and He will stay true to His word, even though I may not know how He will do it. In this place I can be myself. My actions are not bound up in other people. They hold no power over me because they do not hold the key to the fulfillment of my needs. Love becomes the motivating factor in my relationships with people. I can love them freely, with no expectation of anything in return. And it allows me to love them honestly.

Discipline

2005-02-27T10:00:00.000-06:00

"Discipline in the spiritual life is the concentrated effort to create the space and time where God can become our master and where we can respond freely to God's guidance." - Henri Nouwen

I like this. It goes along with what I've been learning. It's not about 'mustering' myself up to 'BE' a better person. It's all about listening to God and being faithful to what he's telling me to do.

Dear Meeting Planner:

2005-02-24T11:31:00.000-06:00

I found this as I was cleaning out my desk today. If any of you have ever worked in the hospitality industry, especially with meetings or conferences, have a good laugh. For those of you who haven't, this may seem a little extreme, but believe me... it is not that far from the truth!

Dear Meeting Planner:

I am a convention services manager. I have unlimited resources at my disposal. I always keep at least ten meeting rooms under my desk and it is a policy here to automatically make reservations and tee times for your Board of Directors when you sign a contract.

I can make any of my meeting rooms larger or smaller, depending on your needs. I will naturally remove any supporting pillars from your meeting space and will install windows in every room as needed. The "ocean view" is not scheduled to arrive until the second day of your program and for this I sincerely apologize. We will, however, move the Hotel two feet to the left to accommodate your request by the end of your general session today. I can only throw myself at your mercy and grovel at your feet.

I completely agree that it is inconceivable that we should have any other groups booked into this Hotel during the program. The additional breakout rooms that you added this morning should be built no later than Wednesday.

Naturally, it will be no problem to turn your session for 800 persons into a hollow square for 150 with rear view projection, simultaneous Japanese translation, and satellite hook-up during your fifteen minute coffee break.

Unfortunately, due to space constraints and the fact that your final program bears no resemblance whatsoever to your contracted space, we will have to suspend your lunch buffet from the ceiling above your session and suck the gravity out of the Ballroom.

We have located the boxes that you sent last month, under your mother's maiden name, at the Hotel down the street, and again our apologies for not having found them sooner.

In answer to all your questions, it is, of course, understood that I am aware of all your speaker's requirements and will set up an overhead, LCD projector, dual slide projectors, two screens, a laser printer, podium and mic, two table mics, six aisle mics, a head table, and red and blue M & M's in each room at no charge, just in case you need them. We will automatically adjust the temperature in every room every fifteen minutes.

It goes without saying that an AV tech., engineer, babysitter, and myself will be underneath your head table during the duration of your event just in case you need anything else. It has been great working with you and I can't wait to see you again... really!

Forever yours,

True Intimacy

2005-02-21T21:48:00.000-06:00

Human relationships easily become possessive. Our hearts so much desire to be loved that we are inclined to cling to the person who offers us love, affection, friendship, care, or support. Once we have seen or felt a hint of love, we want more of it. That explains why lovers so often bicker with each other. Lovers' quarrels are quarrels between people who want more of each other than they are able or willing to give.

It is very hard for love not to become possessive because our hearts look for perfect love and no human being is capable of that. Only God can offer perfect love. Therefore, the art of loving includes the art of giving one another space. When we invade one another's space and do not allow the other to be his or her own free person, we cause great suffering in our relationships. But when we give another space to move and share our gifts, true intimacy becomes possible.

- Henri Nouwen -

So much fun!

2005-02-20T15:55:00.000-06:00

Last night I met with other bloggers in Saskatoon and vicinity. It was so much fun! I love being able to meet new people. It definitely adds a different dimension to meet people that you are already somewhat familiar with through reading their blogs. You can catch pictures here and here. For anyone who blogs in and around Saskatoon, I would highly recommend it. I'm looking forward to the next time we have the opportunity to meet.

Change is in the air

2005-02-15T21:44:00.000-06:00

Something's different. I can 'feel' it, sense it more than anything else. It's difficult to articulate. There's an anticipation of 'newness'. Even in my interactions with people, there's a freshness. It's like the faint scent of wildflowers on the breeze - you can't see the flowers, but you know they must be near.

I'm still recovering from the year 2004, and slowly, bit by bit, I'm beginning to experience the changes that God worked within me as I struggled through the past year. I feel like I'm taking charge of my life to a depth that I have never experienced before. The things that used to paralyze me don't hold that power anymore. I feel more 'free'.

It's so hard to explain. I'm only catching brief glimpses of what's down there, but I believe as I continue to walk this out, I will settle more and more into who I really am. It's exciting.

In honor of Valentine's Day,

2005-02-14T20:54:00.000-06:00

I thought I would list some of my favorite 'chic flicks':
"A Walk in the Clouds" - a post-war romance with Keanu Reeves (I always enjoy watching him)
"Sabrina" - not the original but the one with Harrison Ford (what can I say, it's Harrison Ford) and Julia Ormond; I love the stories of people who 'think' they love someone but end up falling for someone else
"While You Were Sleeping" - Sandra Bullock and Bill Pullman; another story of falling in love with someone else; I generally don't go for Pullman's type, but I love his voice (it's got that 'huskiness' to it)
"How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" - just a fun movie

I had a wonderful Valentine's Day. I dined in my home to candlelight, sparkling Saskatoon Berry Cider, and classical music, with my 2 wonderful boys. It was a lot of fun.

Verse for this week

2005-02-12T21:02:00.000-06:00

"My grace is sufficient for you." 2 Corinthians 12:9
God has been speaking this over and over again to me this past week.

It's very easy for me to start comparing myself to other people. The Enemy whispers in my ear, "Look at them; look at what they're doing. They're better parents than you; they're more talented than you; they're smarter than you." When I hear this, there are a few ways I can respond. I can become paralysed, thinking there is no hope for me, that I will never be good enough, so why bother trying. Or I can become embittered, determined to succeed (even though in my heart I believe I will fail) and so I try to accomplish everything in my own strength.

Or I can come to my Father's feet and listen to what He has to say. It is in His presence that I can resist the whispers of the Enemy and focus on Him. It is in this place that I realize that God does not want me to be comparing myself to everyone else. I am not everyone else.

This week He has been saying to me that His grace is sufficient. I can find acceptance of myself in this verse. I don't have to do things perfectly and it's ok if I'm not doing things like other people. God's grace covers everything and He is able to lead me like the Good Shepherd that He is. I just need to listen and follow.

Weakness vs. strength

2005-02-10T10:02:00.000-06:00

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9, 10

Weak: lacking strength, not able to resist external force or withstand attack, not able to withstand temptation
Strong: not weak, not easily subdued or taken, well established, having or marked by great power

I've been thinking about weakness and strength lately. Is what I consider strength actually considered weakness by God? And vice versa. Is what I consider weakness actually strength in God's eyes?

What do I consider strength? There are people who 'look' as if they have it all together. Nothing seems to phase them. They appear confident, able to handle any situation - strong. But are they really strong? There are people who will not admit they have any weaknesses at all. But nobody is perfect. Is this a strength or a weakness? Is it actually a strength to be able to admit that you have weaknesses and to be able to face them honestly? Do I want anyone to know I have weaknesses? Not really. Why? Because of my insecurities? Is it a strength to be able to admit my weaknesses to others and to ask for help when I need it? Is it a weakness to try to do everything on your own and never admit when you need others?

I think the world's perception of strength and God's definition of strength are two very different things. Paul delighted in his weakness. Why would he do that? No one in this society would think that is a strength. But our Source of strength is not ourselves; it's Christ. It's very easy to do things in our own human strength in the areas that we are strong. It's very hard to do things in our own strength in the areas that we are weak. I think that's why Paul boasted in his weakness - because he didn't want to be functioning under his own strength, but under Christ's power, which is by far the better and more effective way of living.

Incidentally, I have a thought about Paul's boasting in "insults, hardships, persecutions, difficulties". I always thought he was boasting about having to suffer. But I don't think that's it. When we face insults, hardships, persecutions, difficulties (when things are not running smoothly), all the weaknesses that we try to hide and cover up are very quickly exposed. It's in those situations that we find our strength in Christ and not in ourselves.

Matthew, my little trooper

2005-02-09T21:59:00.000-06:00

Currently, my youngest son is completely covered in spots. He broke out with the chicken pox this past Sunday afternoon and I've been home with him all week. He's got it pretty bad; there's at least 20 pox on his face alone. But he hasn't complained at all. Even today, when I know it must have been itching (it was hard for him to find a comfortable spot on the couch) he didn't once complain. He's just glad he can stay home with mom. What a little trooper.

Another new blog

2005-02-09T00:02:00.000-06:00

Cool! Kelly's blogging, too. Check him out at www.firemusicman.blogspot.com.

Sunday is not a day of rest

2005-02-06T14:54:00.000-06:00

Perhaps an afternoon of rest, but that's about it. I didn't go to the Sunday morning service today (basically, snowed in; my little car would have gotten stuck in the parking lot, and I didn't feel like battling the drifts). I was thinking about what I wanted to do today and the answer was 'rest'. And then I had to laugh. Sunday is technically supposed to be our day of rest. But, under normal circumstances, is it? Normally, I'm getting the kids ready, heading off to church, we sing and worship, send the kids to Sunday School, I get to sit for a few minutes listening to a sermon, pack up the kids, head home, make lunch...and then...experience a few hours of rest (by the time lunch is finished, its usually past 2:30pm). Then there is a group of people who come over for supper on Sunday evenings and hang out. So where's the rest?

Then I asked myself another question: can a person find rest in community? And what does rest really look like?

Putting things into perspective

2005-02-05T22:49:00.000-06:00

"Heavenly Father, Help us remember that the jerk who cut us off in traffic last night is a single mother who worked nine hours that day and is rushing home to cook dinner, help with homework, do the laundry and spend a few precious moments with her children.

"Help us to remember that the pierced, tattooed, disinterested young man who can't make change correctly is a worried 19-year-old college student, balancing his apprehension over final exams with his fear of not getting his student loans for next semester.
Remind us, Lord, that the scary looking bum, begging for money in the same spot every day (who really ought to get a job) is a slave to addictions that we can only imagine in our worst nightmares.

"Help us to remember that the old couple walking annoyingly slow through the store aisles and blocking our shopping progress are savoring this moment, knowing that, based on the biopsy report she got back last week, this will be the last year that they go shopping together.

"Heavenly Father, remind us each day that, of all the gifts you give us, the greatest gift is love. It is not enough to share that love with those we hold dear. Open our hearts not to just those who are close to us, but to all humanity. Let us be slow to judge and quick to forgive, show patience, empathy and love. "

Broken relationships hurt

2005-02-04T21:50:00.000-06:00

Broken relationships are hard to take. There is a person who at one time I considered a friend. Along the way there was a difference of opinion between the two of us. It got so bad that a few months ago, a mutual friend met with us to help us 'hear' each other (because we were not hearing each other at all at the point). I thought the meeting had gone well; I thought we had been able to see where the other person was coming from. We have had very little contact with each other since then. Then this past week, we talked on the phone. I was hoping that having given the situation some time to dissipate, we could begin some sort of reconciliation. That, unfortunately, will not be happening. It turns out that the meeting we had had a few months ago was not at all what I had thought it had been. I said to this person, "I thought we had been able to 'hear' each other." The person's response was that 'no', we had not heard each other at all. Listening to this person during our telephone conversation, I realized I am still seen as the enemy, and that this person does not believe reconciliation will ever be possible between us.

This hurts! I don't want to be the enemy! And I feel betrayed. During our meeting of a few months ago, I believed this person was being genuine in what they were saying, but now I wonder whether they were just saying what they thought I wanted to hear. I know this person is hurting and I am largely seen as the cause of that hurt. I really want this person to be healed and set free from the things that cause pain in their life. And I realize there is absolutely nothing I can do to make things right. I cannot change this person's opinion about me. It hurts a lot.

So what is my response in this situation? Do I keep trying for reconciliation? Or will that make matters worse, since I am seen as the enemy? Do I give up, ignore this broken relationship, and continue on with my life? I don't like that option. Is it enough to believe that I have tried for my part to work towards reconciliation and if that is not received, I need to let it go and trust things into God's hands? I don't know. It sure sucks, though.

New blog

2005-02-03T21:49:00.000-06:00

My good friend, Kevin Harms from Morden, MB, is now blogging. You can catch him at www.kevinharms.blogspot.com.

Can we really ask for what we want?

2005-02-03T21:14:00.000-06:00

Matthew 7:7 says this: "Keep on asking, and you will be given what you ask for. Keep on looking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened." But I don't think I've really believed this. Am I really allowed to ask for what I want? This verse doesn't talk about all the "what if's" that are in my head. 'What if my motives are not pure?' 'What if I'm asking for the wrong thing?' 'What if I'm asking outside of God's will?' I think because of my many "what if's", I don't ask at all, assuming God will do what He wants to do and I can't do anything about that, so don't ask because I may not be 'perfect' in my asking and the answer will be 'no' anyways.

Whoa! Where did all that come from? I'm thinking once again my upbringing has had a bit more influence on my outlook on life than I'd like to admit. I was raised with the saying: "You don't always get what you ask for", which is true, but it came to be communicated to me this way: "You never get what you ask for" or "You only get what you ask for with a price attached to it", so I think I came to resent the asking because too often it was 'no' or worse yet, I'd receive what I'd asked for but felt guilty for it because of the perceived 'price' that was attached to it. It felt that nothing was ever given freely. And I think I still translate some of that thinking to my heavenly Father, even though I understand in my head He isn't like that at all (apparently, my heart isn't there yet).

I was thinking about my children today. They are constantly asking me for things. They don't stop to assess whether their motives are right or whether what they're asking for is really good for them. They just ask. And they keep on asking. Now, just because they ask for something does not mean I will give it to them. But I'm never angry or disappointed with them for asking. I don't give them everything, but I do give them some things they ask for. If they never asked, they would not get what they desired. I think God is like that, too. Just because I'm asking does not mean I will get what I want, but God is not upset with me for asking. I can trust Him that He knows what is best for me and so will answer my requests appropriately out of His great love for me.

On the flip side, there are times when I will do something for my children or give them something that they haven't asked for but that I know they will like. I enjoy surprising them. I believe God is the same way. Sometimes He likes to surprise us unexpectedly. I believe He operates both ways: giving what we ask for and giving what we don't ask for. But He wants us to ask.

I was thinking about the persistent widow (Luke 18:1-8). Jesus told this parable to show how we should be praying constantly and that we should not give up. At the end of the parable, He asked "how many will I find who have faith?" Do I have faith to ask, even when I'm not sure of my motives and I'm not sure if it's truly God's will? Do I have faith to believe that God's grace extends to me in my weakness and that I can 'ask away' and He will still do what's best for me?

Although, now I'm thinking about the nation of Israel. They kept asking for a king, even though that was not God's ultimate desire, but God gave them a king anyway. Ooops! Maybe God will give us what we ask for if we're persistent even if it's not what's best for us. Well, how can I possibly ask for anything? I thought I was beginning to figure this out and I feel like I'm back at square one again. Help!

Choosing Joy

2005-02-02T20:21:00.000-06:00

"Joy is what makes life worth living, but for many joy seems hard to find. They complain that their lives are sorrowful and depressing. What then brings the joy we so much desire? Are some people just lucky, while others have run out of luck? Strange as it may sound, we can choose joy. Two people can be part of the same event, but one may choose to live it quite differently than the other. One may choose to trust that what happened, painful as it may be, holds a promise. The other may choose despair and be destroyed by it.What makes us human is precisely this freedom of choice." - Henri Nouwen

Wow! This is so true. I know for a fact this is truth because I have experienced this first-hand in my own life. When my husband passed away, I had only two choices: cling to God, putting my hope and trust in Him, or run from Him and carry the bitterness and pain in my own strength. I chose to cling to God and He gave me joy! Out of death has come joy and life. But I had to make the choice. And if I had chosen the other option, I would have far less joy in my life and bitterness and despair would rule me.

What's wrong with this picture?

2005-01-29T23:33:00.000-06:00

I watched Hotel Rwanda the other night. It was a hard movie to watch. In 1994, over 800,000 people were slaughtered in 100 days, and the UN did not intervene to stop it. Western countries had the money and the resources to address the situation and yet did nothing. Why? The only thing I can come up with is that we are an incredibly selfish society. If it is not in our best interests or affects us directly, then it doesn't really matter what happens in the rest of the world. This is so sad. We have been given so much and yet we either hoard it or spend it on materialistic things.

My heart cries out concerning the injustice of it all. And yet, I feel so utterly helpless. What can I do? It is the governments that make the decisions whether to intervene or not. So my reaction goes from heartache over injustice to feelings of helplessness and despair to emotional apathy. I don't believe I can make a difference, so why bother? Maybe that is a selfish reaction in itself and I don't like it, but I'm being honest.

It's in moments like these that I really long for Jesus to come back and make everything right, because I honestly don't think fallen man will be able to correct the injustices in this world. We are too selfish, too sinful. The evil in this world will continue. How can we stand against it? What can we do?

And yet, as individuals and countries, we can respond swiftly to a natural disaster such as the tsunami in Asia however we ignore other catastrophes in the world that are taking even more lives.

A similar situation to Rwanda is happening in Darfur, Sudan. Even though I feel largely powerless, I will not give up hope. Perhaps if enough people start talking and believing they can make a difference, maybe something can be done. Here are some links regarding the Darfur crisis:

CBC's Correspondent in Darfur
Sudan: A Nation Divided
Sudan's Darfur Conflict
Unlike its response in Asia, the West has stood idly by while genocide, disease & famine ravage Africa

Philippians 2:4 - "Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others."

Happy ending girl

2005-01-28T21:27:00.000-06:00

I am a 'happy ending girl'. Whatever I watch, whatever I read - must have a happy ending. I love fairy tales; someone 'saves the day' and they live happily ever after. Absolutely NO killing off any of the main characters. For example, even though I can acknowledge that "The Titanic" was a well-made movie, I was completely ticked off at the end when they killed off Leonardo diCaprio's character - they were supposed to survive, get married and live happily ever after. I don't care that Kate Winslett's character led a full life because of what she had experienced - not happy ending in my books! Some may think this is a silly sentiment, but I don't care. I will continue to live in my idealistic bubble (when it comes to movies and books, anyways) and always hope for the best. Anyways, there's a bit about me. :)

Please pray

2005-01-25T22:54:00.000-06:00

I read this today (see 'God?' on Monday, January 24, 2005) and it broke my heart. Memories of when I had to tell my oldest son (he was 5 at the time) that his father had died came back to me. I also know how extremely sensitive my son is about death and how fearful he is of people dying and leaving him. I cannot imagine what this little boy is going through. Please pray.

Suffering and knowing God

2005-01-24T21:52:00.000-06:00

Philippians 3:10 - "I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death,"

Sometimes, it is in suffering that we can better understand God's heart. How can we understand His heartache if we do not go through heartache ourselves? When we are in those moments of emotional agony, do we catch a glimpse of the agony of the Father as He looks on this fallen world? Is that what Paul means when he talks about 'the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings'? Can we identify more closely with Jesus having gone through painful experiences? Is that the point of it all?

Community and solitude

2005-01-22T08:24:00.000-06:00

"Solitude greeting solitude, that's what community is all about. Community is not the place where we are no longer alone but the place where we respect, protect, and reverently greet one another's aloneness. When we allow our aloneness to lead us into solitude, our solitude will enable us to rejoice in the solitude of others. Our solitude roots us in our own hearts. Instead of making us yearn for company that will offer us immediate satisfaction, solitude makes us claim our center and empowers us to call others to claim theirs. Our various solitudes are like strong, straight pillars that hold up the roof of our communal house. Thus, solitude always strengthens community." - Henri Nouwen

This idea of community is very different that what my perception has been. There's a part of me that hates to be alone. I love to be with people because then I don't have to be by myself. But this can lead to trying to find my fulfillment in people and not looking to my source - God. And I see people in my community that seem to be a constant 'drain' on people and it is precisely because they are trying to have their needs met by people and not by God. I don't want to be like that. I want to learn how to allow my aloneness to lead me into solitude, so that my strength is found in Him.

Cast Away

2005-01-19T22:51:00.000-06:00

I just finished watching 'Cast Away' (with Tom Hanks) for the first time. A great movie. The hardest part for me to watch was the part at the end - when Tom Hanks' character, Chuck Noland, comes back to Memphis to see the woman (played by Helen Hunt) he had pledged to marry over 4 years earlier. He finds out that in the meantime she has married, has a daughter, has a different life. What broke my heart was that this woman still loved Chuck, but she had to let him go...again, and return to her life.

This was a little too surreal for me. I could identify too closely with Helen Hunt's character. It brought out feelings and emotions I didn't know were there. Feelings that somehow I have betrayed my husband, that I've abandoned him. I loved him. And when we were married, I could never understand how people could remarry after their spouse died; I saw it as a betrayal. But I'm a different person now. When my husband passed away, that 'noble' thought of staying loyal to him by never pursuing remarriage went right out the window. If my husband came back today, would I still love him? Of course I would. But I love another man now. How can a woman love two men? How can I love one without betraying the other?

I realize this doesn't make a lot of sense, but that's grieving for you. Even though I know, logically speaking, I have not abandoned or betrayed my husband, there must be something deep down inside that believes that, or I wouldn't have had the reaction I did when watching this movie. Maybe there's a part I need to 'let go' so I can carry on with my life.

2005-01-18T20:57:00.000-06:00

I read this article today (sorry if you can't read it - National Post subscribers only). It discusses the religious right and politics in the U.S.. The religious right believe they are largely responsible for the re-election of President Bush and they plan on pushing their agenda via the government. I found this disturbing. It made me think of the disciples and Jesus. The disciples believed Jesus was going to establish a physical kingdom and they wanted to rule alongside Him. They didn't get it. The kingdom Jesus brought was a kingdom established in the hearts of people, not something physically enforced. The 'agenda' of the religious right smells too much of a physical 'kingdom', enforcing morality on people through government policy. But this will not change the human heart. And isn't that what's most important?

I have to admit, though, that I really do not understand the religious right in the United States. It is so different from anything we see in Canada. I would be interested in learning more about its origin and history.

Be strong and courageous

2005-01-16T23:12:00.000-06:00

Joshua 1:9 - "I command you - be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."

What does it mean to be 'strong and courageous' today? I realize this passage was referring to a specific point in the history of Israel, but there are references in the New Testament to 'boldness', 'confidence', etc. What does this look like? Do I see this in people very often? Have so many of us been 'burned' by past experiences and are constantly questioning whether we are 'right' or know the 'truth' or are actually following God's will that we do not possess confidence and boldness in our walk of faith?

How does a person become strong in the Lord?

When its this cold...

2005-01-14T14:37:00.000-06:00

I don't think it really matters how cold it is. -40, -52, it feels the same to me. I think after a certain point my body just registers 'cold!'.

Quote of the day

2005-01-11T21:34:00.000-06:00

Apparently, one of my co-workers said this while I was out of the office today:
"The tsunami in South-East Asia was God's way of de-populating an area that was overpopulated."

Wow. Someone actually thinks this. What do you think?

Thoughts on destiny

2005-01-08T22:03:00.000-06:00

Destiny: the inevitable or necessary fate to which a particular person or thing is 'destined'
Destined: determined beforehand, preordained; assigned for a specific end, use, or purpose

In one of my circles of relationships, I've heard this word quite a bit over the past year. Destiny is seen as a good thing, something to be desired. People want to 'live out their destiny'. The belief is that God has a specific plan for each person, a fulfillment of who He created them to be. Being largely a 'fatalistic' person (believing that all events are predetermined and inevitable), I can accept this. Of course I want to believe that God had something very specific in mind when He 'formed me in my mother's womb'. It gives me a sense of purpose. I'm not randomly on this planet for no reason at all!

But what is my 'destiny'? How do I know if I'm 'living it'? I know there are people who would have big issues with the whole idea of 'destiny'. What do you mean things are 'pre-determined' for me? Don't I have freedom of choice? I have absolutely no idea how the two work together. There's evidence of both in the Bible. Joseph said it was God's plan for him to go to Egypt so he would be able to save his family and many others. Mordecai told Esther perhaps she was born for such a time as this so that she could appeal to the king on behalf of her people. And yet Saul was chosen by God to be king, but he didn't follow Him and lost the kingship because of it.

What was I born to be? What was I born to do? There are moments when I feel as if the curtain has been pulled back and things come into focus, and I get a sense of being created for a specific purpose, whether its in relation to a person or situation. But then the curtain drops and I'm just not so sure anymore. But there's a part deep down inside of me that grabs hold of those moments of clarity and believes that although things may not appear to be the fulfillment of any destiny right now, what I've experienced in those moments of clarity will come to pass.

"Now we see things imperfectly as in a poor mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God knows me now." (1 Corinthians 13:12)

Ahhh, this is relaxing...

2005-01-07T23:19:00.000-06:00

Hot bath, glass of something bubbly, Harden & Huyse chocolates, and a good book.